A local footy coach has drawn criticism from his players and club committee members after taking the war analogy too far at training last night. Watsonia Wombats head coach Darren Collins has reportedly lost the trust of the playing group after running a gruelling “war time” training session in the lead up to the Wombats’s big clash against the Bundoora Bilbies tomorrow afternoon. 

Players knew they were in for a tough night when the training session kicked off with some “light trench digging” as a warm up. Collins then turned a hose onto the freshly dug trenches, drenching them with copious amounts of water before ordering the players to crawl on their bellies through the resulting muddy terrain. While they crawled, Collins stood above the playing group shouting obscenities and occasionally prodding them with a large tree branch he had torn off a nearby tree earlier. 

After a solid 20 minutes of mud crawling, Collins ordered the players into the middle of the oval and put them through a circuit of push ups and crunches, randomly shooting players in the leg with a paintball gun if he felt their efforts were not sufficient. This taxing circuit lasted for 30 minutes before Collins finally got the footballs out and allowed the players to do some actual footy training; however, this didn’t stop him from continuing to use the paintball gun as a barbaric form of motivation, and constantly yelling “your ancestors didn’t fight the Japanese and the Germans so you could stand around bitching about a sore hammy you bloody girl’s blouse. Drop and give me 20.”  

Speaking this morning about the unconventional training session, Wombats Captain Johnno Cramer said, “it just came out of nowhere, and Collo definitely took it too far. We’ve won the first two games and I think it’s gone to his head a bit. All the boys were struggling last night, he didn’t even let the blokes in the rehab group skip the trench digging. Jonesy’s in a moon boot with a busted ankle and he made him crawl through the mud with the rest of us. All Collo kept saying was ‘there were no rehab groups in Gallipoli boys’. All the boys on WhatsApp this morning were talking about how sore they are, and we know that delayed onset muscle soreness is worse on the second day, so we’ll be stuffed tomorrow against Bundoora.”  

Collins was unavailable for comment this morning, but the Watsonia Wombats committee said they will be monitoring his training techniques in the coming weeks. 

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