The Watsonia Bugle’s favourite hipster, Tym McTaggart, best known for falling asleep on a Hurstbridge Line train, has tried to conquer his fear of the outer suburbs by taking a leisurely bike ride out to the Diamond Valley. However, McTaggart was ultimately ill-equipped for the adventure, heading to the undulating hills of Greensborough and Eltham on a fixie. 

A ‘fixie’ is a fixed wheel bike, meaning that it doesn’t have gears to help you ride up steep hills. And while this mode of transport is perfectly fine for the relatively flat terrain of the inner north, it is entirely unsuitable for the rolling hills of the Diamond Valley. 

Poor old Tym didn’t realise he was in serious trouble until he reached the outer fringes of Greensborough, after a seemingly smooth run through Fairfield, Ivanhoe, Rosanna and Macleod. By the time he’d passed the Greensborough CBD and headed towards the aptly named Briar Hill, Tym’s legs started to spasm as he tried to climb the peak. 

Showing resilience uncommon among his species, Tym then rolled down Sherbourne Road with renewed vigour before entering a whole new world of pain in Eltham. After climbing aimlessly around the steep back streets of Eltham, Tym decided to abort mission. However, a wrong turn on his desperate retreat took him through mountainous Montmorency, at which point Tym gave up entirely, eventually ending up at the train station, too exhausted to appreciate the country charm and café culture of Were Street. 

Ironically, Tym ended up on a Hurstbridge Line train, just months after his catastrophic trip to Diamond Creek. But this time he was city bound and quickly returned to the inner north where the streets are flat, the coffee is organic, and the beards are fashionable.

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